Men•o•pause muffin-top

We wonder if Aunt Flo looks something like this.

It’s that time in our life we have to bid farewell to Aunt Flo. She has flown south for the winter and will no longer be visiting.  Boo-hoo, we loved that crazy fool. Yes, a little high maintenance with a lot of baggage, but we did break bread together once a month which meant a decent good-bye was in order. Instead, she blew out of town without a whisper. Damn if she didn’t take my egg supply with her; she’s been robbing me of those since my late 30s.

I always promised myself that when the time came to, well, to kiss Aunt Flo good-bye, I would be prepared. I’ve had 50 years to read up for God’s sake! I wanted to be educated before the night sweats and hot flashes arrived. I wanted to know what the hell was going to happen and what the hell I could do to avoid it.  So, I read and read and found out that one year after the disappearing period I would officially be in menopause. Ugh and duh. To my dismay, I also learned that my HORMONES would go down the drain as well. Two special girls, estrogen and testosterone would simply peter out.

Once “m” arrives, there are decisions to make, HRT, bio-identicals, fans, or cold presses. Just know – if you do nothing at all you may have to experience a little suffering. Don’t be frightened by the following abbreviated symptom list as menopause can make you super sensitive and crabby (which can make you look old). Here goes: brain fog, osteoporosis risk, weight gain, hot flashes, depression, unexplained hunger, unexplained meanness, dry skin, thin skin, breast cancer risk, hair loss, and loss of libido. You may also find yourself arguing and punishing those you love from time to time, and you will be hungrier than you were pre-menopause. And you thought Aunt Flo was a crazy bitch!

There is one symptom that trumps them all though, I saved it for last. It’s the “menopausal muffin-top”. OMG, we’ve heard about it and now some of us may have it.

It’s hard to believe such a thing exists, so, I ran a test to see whether I had it or not. I looked down at my hips and grabbed the fat on each side, and there it was, I found my muffin-top. Unlike some of the other gals who show this thing off, please don’t do it. You can tuck it inside your skirt or pants or cover it with extra long, tight granny panties. Muffin-tops are rude, bloated, disgusting inner-tube type masses – so make sure you place yours out of site. No one wants to see it. This is real estate you must hide from everyone, including your BF or husband or they may also end up going south for the winter.

How do you get rid of it or prevent it or just live life harmoniously while menopausing? You will need to do the same research I did and study the hell up. Seriously! Although my personal recommendation is bio-identical hormones, you may like the Premarin® kind (although, take note of the word “mare” — female horse hormones included, yuk). Regardless of your choice, you won’t regret getting off your menopausal butt and start doing something!
Happy hormoning!

Awesome reading:  Stay Young & Sexy with Bio-Identical Hormone Replacement: The Science Explained, and/or Ageless: The Naked Truth About Bioidentical Hormones

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16 comments to Men•o•pause muffin-top

  • Laurel McFerrin  says:

    Having gone through menopause early and suffering from hot flashes that ruined my clothes, had me sitting at work with 4 fans and the air conditioning blasting on me all the time, and freezing my husband out of the room at night when I opened windows when it was 10 degrees below zero outside, I can completely empathize with everything you’ve said. Thank God I finally (after 2 years) took your advice and started on bio-identical hormones and feel like I’m finally back to normal again! The hot flashes are completely gone and the stomach fat is becoming easier to control – although it has never disappeared completely, a problem that I attribute to the Age Bitch. Thanks for the advice – I’ve learned so much from our discussions and “girls’ weekends” – and love the blog!

  • Janna  says:

    Don’t you find it interesting that menopause contains the words “men” and “pause.” For me it kind of is, men-o-stop. I just don’t find them fascinating now that I don’t have the two special girls (estrogen and testosterone – - however, testosterone did call me and wanted me to tell you that he thinks he is a boy and not really a girl, though he seemed a little sketchy on why). I, too, have suffered the hot flashes and the bitch flashes and the crying flashes. Didn’t go bioidenticals, but still thinking about it. My doctor said in clinical trials the old menopausal bitches started being nicer when they started on a low dose of anti-depressants – he didn’t say it that way, but I knew that is what he meant. Anyway, five years later on a low dose of Effexsor (which is now generic but that didn’t bring the cost down much), and I like life so much more than I did before. Try it to take a little of the edge off if you need to. It makes me better, and oh yeah, so does the end of Aunt Flo. I never did like her.

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