Not for the kiddies!

Well hello… if you a woman in your 50s, single and looking for Mr. Right, you might be interested in this very touchy topic that affects lots and lots of new romances. I’m no expert here, but I am good at jumping in to provocative chats with my lady friends – so here goes, you might have to plug your ears! lol
Seems by now we know there are certain things required to build a great relationship, right? And, as women we are pretty honed in to what these things are. We also believe the gentlemen should know them too. Problem is, they don’t.

Nonetheless, I am a believer that no person should ever go without these “certain things”, or settle for less – especially if they contribute to our wellbeing, happiness, or survival. So, in the case of two people who enter into the “dating ritual”, it is crucial that both be ready, and I mean very ready – for all those things that add to a healthy, budding friendship and/or love relationship. Just be dressed and prepared for the dance. If you have areas within yourself that are “inadequate” get them fixed immediately, or simply get out of the dating arena until you do. Yeah, really.

See, we girls know that the guys have their own special requirements – things they’re looking for. They’re pretty open about their desire for thin and toned, they’d like us to look nice and blend perfectly into their lives. This we know. But, as many of my lady friends seem quick to observe, “men don’t seem to be overly concerned about how they look, or if their gear is working correctly.” And they’re not talking about a broken tooth or an aching back! The reference is more about our fellas’ working parts. And the ladies have a point!
What’s bothersome is that while we sweat to muscle-up our bods, they seem to have little concern over their own “muscle” and its unfortunate inability to step up to the occasion. I wish we knew why certain areas of the body seem to cave in and go on the fritz. Perhaps it comes down to stress, money problems, too many meds, illness, depression, or a little karma (lol). I don’t know, but for goodness sake, sirs, you cannot drive a car without a motor, or cook a great dinner if your oven don’t work! Just like the real estate guy who doesn’t reveal bad pipes or a basement full of bees, so goes the single gentleman untrained for awkward conversations about, well, his secret problem with his junk.

No one has to tell him there’s an “out of order” sign swinging on his you know what – he knows inevitably it’s going to be an issue, a major talking point – but for the life of him, he cannot find a PC way to disclose this little detail to his new lady. Much easier to stall, blame it on the wine – or hope she grows warm and fuzzies for him, forgiving his little land of broken dreams.

So, what’s up with this condition? And is it ok to run from someone who can’t “do it”? Is this one of those super-duper deal breakers? Well, my ladies say YES, it’s a valid reason to walk away when discovered early on in the relationship. But the doctors say it can be healed! Yay! It’s a matter of learning all the steps to overcome everything associated with the issue. Gentlemen, get it taken care of before the dating game begins! Don’t get caught with your pants down knowing your equipment is on hiatus. Do the necessary homework if you would like to make your lady love happy.

Learn about sexual disfunction here and here.

When a man loves a woman and/or when a woman thinks she loves a woman.

She may be telling you she has a crush on you. Oh my.

Keep a close eye on flirtatious nail ladies.

This will sound a little presumptive (and it is), but I’m guessing that if you are a woman over 40 you have probably had a woman crush at least once in your life. Maybe you’ve kept it secret, or maybe you have talked openly about it – or maybe you are just flat out embarrassed about it and threw it in the vault a long time ago. Conversely, it may be safe to say that maybe you have also had a woman crushing on you!
It’s not so uncommon, in fact, right now I have one.  She hails from a very unlikely place… my nail shop. Her name is Ann, she wears a white doctor’s coat and she does my mani/pedi…UGH!
For God’s sake, she is my nail lady!
She definitely knows how to lay down the shellac and chick flirt at the same time (blush)!  And while I’m no stranger to flipping my hair and flirting from time to time – damn if I’ve ever done that with a woman! So when she quietly buffs my nails and slowly looks up to say, “you make me so happy” I just want to cut and run next door to the grocery store and hide behind the yams for a while.
After my last visit I realized I can’t go to my shop again. A goobery-faced Ann picked up my hand and awkwardly held it for 5 seconds too long as I was was trying to exit. So now I have to migrate to a new shop, maybe in another city… and fast!

What about you? Have you ever had a crush on another woman? Can you admit it? What have you done when a lady friend is sweet on you? lol I’d love to know.

A picture’s worth a thousand words

My dear online dating friends.  You’ve been at this awhile. You know the feeling when a new message pops up in your online dating inbox, right?
What’s it gonna be… handsome — income range at $100k – $150, perhaps a skier and traveller and lover of animals? Maybe he’ll have an interesting profile filled with creative quips, exemplifying a sense of humor and a touch of class. Your interest is especially stimulated by the fact that he came to you. He placed his tan, masculine finger on the button and sent a message to you! You can kick back now and relax, the ball’s in your court. You have all the power!

And then there it is. Your man’s opportunity to impress the heck out of you has come in the form of a dumb driver’s license pic. UGH. What the hell? Decked out in DMV? Kinda hard to see anything beyond the DMV security halo planted across his big head. Nice.

I think some online daters don’t really get it. Here’s the thing, even if you are not the most gorgeous human being God created you can present yourself as cute, lovable, likable and irresistible just by giving attention to the pictures you put out.

Let’s start by talking about what not to do because it’s important. Seriously, ladies and gents, please do not ever place pictures in your profile that show you and a former date, or something that looks like a former date. I don’t care if it’s your sister and you cut her out and only her hand is showing. It’s stupid.  Many a gal has passed on goofballs who that do this (including me!).

Next, if you are a woman, for God’s sakes, put away the cleavage. If you must you can show the guys your boobs later, but for presentation purposes, cover them the hell up. You will attract guys that desire boobs above all else.

Mini-makeover for your profile pictures — would it kill you to purposely get your hair fixed or groomed for the picture you think may result in the love of your life? Crest 3D whitening strips are $19 for God’s sakes, try them! Shave, groom, practice your smile in the mirror, but look like you put in a little effort for a decent pic. You, with your head the size of a pea in a large crowd of bikers, or two miles away kayaking on the rapids — not so sexy.

Lastly (for now, at least), overly Photoshop’d, 3-year-old photos, sexy posing, tattoo-showing, goofy smiles with tongue sticking out are ALL old school, they do NOT show your unique personality and are simply recipes for weird interpretation.

The key is not to purposely keep suiters away, duh. Keep that which is controversial out of your profile pic. A picture’s worth a thousand words. Don’t allow for crazy judgements by uploading you on a chopper or you kissing your seven cats. Hope this makes some sense. : )

I love football

Football is back! Hooray! I love me some football.

As a single 50-something woman weaving her way through the dating world, I’ve gotten pretty good at predicting those “introduction” questions from the fellers. I realize it’s just a matter of time before sports sneaks its way into the conversation. Guys cannot resist.

“Hello there, do you like football?” “Wow, you’re cute, do you like football?”  “We finally meet! So, do you like football?”

Of course, I LIKE football, so my answer is yes! It’s the only logical, reasonable response by the way. At a time when two people are busy checking each other out, trying to get the other to like them — YES, is a promising response.

Regardless of your answer, what the guys don’t know, is that women on their own accord — don’t really love football. Yes, it’s true, please don’t shake your head.

The proof is in the pudding. Football-lovin’ women wear football clothing to celebrate their love of the game (logo t-shirts, visors, windbreakers, and team hoodies). Football gals have their gal pals over regularly to watch the game. You may also see team stickers and pennants around their house (next to the candles), and they may don a team flag or bumper sticker on their car along with a cute lawn flag of their favorite team.

You should know, however — it’s OK if you don’t like football, and its also OK to “act” like you do or fake it for them. As Charlie Sheen said (more than once), pretend you care.
Know that you can always claim (later on) if the relationship gets serious that you believe football has changed, your favorite players are gone and you no longer love the game the way you once did, maybe because of the commercialism of the game. (Ha — this explanation may allow you to go shopping instead — with a clear conscience.)

Please don’t wear high heels

We’ve hit an all time high — when it comes to high heels that is. They are getting taller and spikier and more awesome, but beware; the authorities are putting out warnings. They say we should stop wearing them. The more you wear them the more they will “alter the anatomy of the calf muscles and tendons”. Shit, the experts are more worried than ever.  And women everywhere are tripping all over the place. Sprains, breaks, bunions, hammertoes, and even nerve damage, it’s awful, and I mean that.

Unfortunately, I do not give a flying fig. My opinion is driven solely by how great high heels look (see shoe pic)! The sex appeal is hard to ignore, in fact I have seen chunky ankles suddenly look slimmer when adorned by 3-4″ heels.  I have even seen a few chunky-styled ladies look sleeker and more pulled together, even taller. The shorties become lean hotties and the tall gals become sexy skyscrapers.

According to medguru.com, men are turned on by beautiful feet, especially if they are around a size 5. Ha-ha, size 5. Sure, in the land of Cheetos and Mexican food, we are NOT wearing size five anymore, so sorry med guru, your study sounds crazy. In fact, what’s widely known as the best set-up for below-the-ankle-hell-on-heels-perfection is black patent leather peep toe, 4″ heels, red toenail polish.

Medguru.com also mentioned one other study of interest. It said one-third of men judge a woman and analyze her personality based on the state of her feet. OMG. I am going to be watching every man’s eyes from now on, “I’m up here buddy!”

Women now have even more choices to make, they can either adhere to the severe safety warnings and slip on the wedges or flats, covering up their feet entirely or live dangerously by adding pure fab to her look by puttin’ on the high heels (I vote for the latter).

Make sure you buy the kind with the trendy platform, it makes all the difference. : )

Under the hood of online dating

I could go on and on about internet dating, there are endless bloggable moments to share.  But, please…a little praise for the inventor for keeping us so damn entertained and busy.  You will see me write often about this interesting phenomenon. Single and dating in the great five-o’s is like a board game that never ends, full of dreamers, strategists, cheaters, and the naïve.  Sometimes the game ends due to lack of interest and you will see the rules change often. I have so many stupid stories and useful advice for this often necessary evil, I may have to tackle them one section at a time in order for anyone to truly grasp each important concept. True, there are hundreds of articles written aimed at delivering helpful advice, but quite frankly, they have no idea what the hell they are talking about. : )

One thing I know for sure about online dating is that the objective is the same; we want to meet the man/woman of our dreams, yes? And we want the process to be convenient, just like other online shopping experience.
So, if you like viewing hundreds of images of fellas to pick from for the purposes of dating, in the hopes that it turns into something loving and meaningful, online dating may be for you. There are however, caveats. Within each image is a person you know very little about. The handsome/hot dude you see on the screen is a complicated human being with an extensive history of hurts, loves, children, experiences, tragedies, and for the most part has not included much of this within his profile text. Sadly, from the gitgo we have an uneducated, unbalanced view.

As mammals we are hardwired to desire touch, emotion, companionship and love, so we often ignore that which isn’t noted and only see what might be. If mister didn’t mention anything about his grown kids or his personal life in his profile perhaps we may assume that his kids are awesome members of society, his career in high gear, and his home life kicking ass.

I am not saying that most of the faces seen on online dating sites equal bad guys, just suggesting we think differently, objectively, and safely. When we get in the car we put the seat belt on, chances are pretty good that the trip in the car to the store will get me there safely, but still, I wear the damn seatbelt. When I get a “hit” from a gentleman on dating website, I should also immediately buckle my ass in.  So, here are a few of my rules when online man-shopping:

  • Never, ever respond to, click on, or engage in any way with a guy who has marked his profile “separated” — no matter how hot he may be. P-l-e-a-s-e…! (Who the hell goes on a dating website without buttoning up past relationship crap?) Think about the mess that sits under the hood, trust me, there will be a mess waiting and it will probably be in the form of a pissy wife.
  • Stay within your age range. If you believe yourself to be super hot and you have earned the right to aim for ages up to ten years your junior, save that for real life guy-hunting. Keep the 5-yr-rule, no more than 5 years younger or older. The stats are stacked in your favor.
  • Don’t mention flowers, fuzzy cats, stuffed animals, ballerina collections, hatred of football or any other seriously stupid comments in your profile. It’s tough, I know, but do it — it works. Guys are looking for that which is “normal” – better he focus on your hot hair-do, not ridiculous girl talk.
  • Don’t include endless pictures of your tattoos and awesome cleavage. Save it for the in-person interview if you must. The front-end process is meant to show you are cute and normal, don’t stir up controversy!

This should keep you thinking for now, and please share with your single friends.

With lots of love and experience. : )